happy Christmas

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“Christmas isn’t Christmas til it happens in your heart, Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts”

This quote is from a song/hymn we used to sing at Church when I was younger and I haven’t heard it in years, but for some reason it just came into my head. It would have had more context if I had added the rest of the lyrics, but I think it’s pretty sweet, and thought-provoking, just like that.

happy christmas

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words words words

“you can make anything by writing” C.S Lewis

Writing is a weird and wonderful thing. I was never all that good at English in school, and yet I could write pages and pages worth of essays in History. And it’s the same now. I can very easily write sentence upon sentence in my blog or in a text or email, yet trying to write my personal statement, I’m at a complete loss for words. Everything I try to write either sounds too fake, or just pathetic and too rehearsed. I’m not getting very far, which isn’t good when you’ve got a deadline.
There’s something else I love about having the ability to write things down, and this quote I found in a book I recently read sums it up perfectly:

“On paper I was much better because I had time to think about things, to edit and perfect my thoughts, but that approach doesn’t work in real-time conversations.”

This quote explains exactly how I feel on a daily basis. Being shy and quite quiet natured, I have this issue all the time. I’d like to think I’m quite caring and I love listening to people’s problems and offering advice (which makes me think a career in psychology/counselling/social care etc. could be a plan?), but I am so much better doing it by text/messaging/email than face to face. I don’t know why, but I just choke up and struggle to say the right thing when I’m with them in person. Which is annoying, as I’d love to be better at being there for and comforting people in person, but I guess i can work on it! But by writing it down, my thoughts and advice seem to make more sense. It’s the same when i’m trying to explain how i feel. Give me a pencil and a bit of paper and I can explain in a second. Ask me to my face and you’ll probably never understand what i am trying to say.
I would love to have Bernard’s Watch (remember that programme?!) to stop time just for a few minutes so I could come up with these well thought out answers in person. That would be a seriously awesome Christmas present, if it were a real thing!

“you can make anything by writing” C.S Lewis

Everything happens for a reason. Apparently.

Today, tomorrow, always.

 

I’ve hit a bit of a brick wall today. I started off by going to a funeral, which went as well as these things can. It was a lovely service for a truly lovely, very brave man. And apart from the obvious, a few things really got to me. The first was seeing his wife, who is usually such a strong, assertive (yet lovely, don’t get me wrong) woman completely.. broken. There’s no other word i can think of that describes how she looked. True, it would be hard to witness any grieving widow, but compared to her usual bold stature, it was heartbreaking to see how lost she looked. It made me realise just how much of an impact one single person can make on your life. So much so that without them, you don’t know how to keep going. That, and it made me immensely grateful for all the wonderful people I do have in my life. 

The second thing that got to me was being back in the church i grew up in. In some ways it felt like I’d never left, and yet somehow it felt like it was somewhere i was completely unfamiliar with. It has stirred up some strange emotions, and not necessarily ones I want to feel or acknowledge. I liked the peace and almost tranquility about the service. Salvation Army services are so different. So busy and almost frantic sometimes, and though i’m happy there, it has made me question a few things. But then the more I think about these ‘things’, the more i’m coming to the same conclusion. That as long as i’m at some form of church, then it doesn’t really matter which denomination it is. As either way, i’m getting the same outcome: worshipping God. And surely that’s a good thing?

So my plan for this afternoon was to do more job hunting, and finish/nearly finish my personal statement, and finally decide what i’m going to apply for. So far, not much of the plan has come to fruition. I searched on various job sites.. M&S, John Lewis, Boots, Sainsburys.. the list goes on (and on and on and on), and found not one suitable job. Hence the brick wall statement at the beginning of the post. As for the uni application, i’ve got no further. I can’t write any more of my personal statement until I know what course i’m going for, and I can’t seem to make a decision on the course cos i’m too confused and literally just don’t know what i want to/should do with my life. So yeah, brick wall it is!! 

On a lighter note, i’ve decided to get myself some piano lessons. The lady I mentioned above is a church organist and gave me keyboard lessons as a child, so once things settle down for her and she starts back up with her pupils, i’m going to ask if she will teach me piano. I can read music and can play the right hand fine so technically i’m halfway there.. I am so jealous of people who can simply sit at a piano and play any music put in front of them, so i’ve decided i’m going to put in the hard graft and learn. I already have a few pieces i’m determined to be able to play, so once I master them I will be a very happy girl. There’s something very relaxing and peaceful about piano listening to a piano play, and i’m determined to be able to be the one playing the music!!

I don’t know where my life (or even this post……!!) is going, but i’m trusting that God has some big master plan for me. Trusting as well as hoping, wanting, and wishing that he does. All I have to do is listen. And actually, i’m quite good at listening. Or so i’ve been told. So then it should be easy, right? Maybe not, but either way i’m always being told that

                                             Everything happens for a reason.

 

Today, tomorrow, always.