So, 2014 is upon us. It’s scary how recently it feels like we said the same about 2013. So, how was 2013?
Well, I began it by starting a new job – one that I’m still doing almost a year on. It’s relatively mundane yet can be interesting and challenging at the same time due to the people I get to interact with.
I finally chose a uni course to apply for, and got accepted at Glasgow uni. I’m now one semester into a degree in Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy, and it’s safe to say my brain has been working hard over the past few months. Uni is full of the same challenges as the last time I tried it – and I’m not referring to the academic side. I’m still hopeless at making friends – only this time I actually made some effort, which I think makes it worse that I’m still very much a loner at uni! I joined the windband and the Christian Union, only to drop out of the windband, and drift from cu a bit…although I plan on going back to CU after the holidays. Maybe I’m just destined to be friendless for the next four years! (cue the over dramatic background music…..)
I moved out – I have a student flat (not halls!) in Glasgow, which I love. I’m not quite as independent as I wanted to be, as I can’t get a parking permit and need to come home at the end of every week to pick up my car, which is a bit of a pain! But still, it makes things much easier for uni, and I love having my own wee space. Making dinner and doing the dishes totally aren’t sides of it that I love though!
I had a fabulous summer – starting off with another amazing holiday to the USA with my parents and my somewhat lovely boyfriend. I saw places some people dream their whole lives of going, and I’m truly grateful I had the opportunity to go – and I’m still only 20!
Music school, as always, was another high of the summer. It had it’s ups and downs, but overall, it was brilliant. Despite anything else, it’s so good to spend a week with your friends without any disturbances from the outside world. I strengthened friendships and built up some new ones, and thanks to that week, i now have seriously strong, close relationships with friends I never imagined even talking to, with ages ranging from 14 to 34!
[i’m a bit apprehensive about writing this next bit, but here goes…]
After music school, I was most certainly on a spiritual high. The song ‘live like that’ was practically my mantra, and I really really wanted to live out the words of the song:
I wanna live like that
and give it all I have, so that everything I say and do points to you
And I did try, for a few months atleast. Then it started to waver a bit. It probably coincided with uni, but it for the reasons you might expect. It wasn’t because it was scared to admit my faith – I was going to CU – it was very readily accepted and if anything, I was inspired by the amount of other young Christians living out their faith in their uni lives. But studying philosophy definitely made me question my beliefs. As did some other random events that happened at the same time, and I was thrown back to the child-like questions of why do bad things happen? and, if god has control over everything/creates everything/guides our paths etc., then why does so much bad stuff happen? I felt stupid and immature even thinking these things, but to be honest, I had no real answer. I just made me doubt his existence at all. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with that. (or even, how comfortable I am admitting that!!) I had pretty much resided to believe that the God stuff was all a load of rubbish. I refused to believe in some of it but not all of it, so went for none at all. But I don’t like that..it’s just not me. I’ve always been certain of God, at least to some extent, but the facts just didn’t add up. I wanted proof, evidence. More than just a book and what people say.
And I still do.
One of those friendships I mentioned earlier is with someone a few years younger than me, and she means a great deal to me. She’s such a special girl and is more like a little sister than a friend, and I am somewhat overwhelmed by how our friendship has developed over the past few months. However, it has made me very, very aware of the influence I have on those around me. I am very aware of the example I am setting, and I don’t want it to be anything other than good. She comes to me with God questions and I don’t know how to answer them – I want to inspire her and help her build her relationship with God, when frankly I’m not sure where I stand with him.
So my ‘new years resolution’ if you like, is to sort out my own relationship with God. It’s still there, I just need to revamp it, and rediscover it. If not just for my own sake, but for the sake of others too. So that through knowing him and his love, I can share his love with other people, and bring them closer to him too. Because he’s there, I know he is.
Whate’er i do, where’er I be, still tis God’s hand that leadeth me.
He leadeth me He leadeth me, by his own hand He leadeth me.
His faithful follower I would be, for by his hand
He leadeth me