Where am I

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here – 3 months in fact – and some big things have happened in that time:

  • I got married, and went from being Miss Roslyn Adamson to Mrs Roslyn Fuller
  • I started a part time course at uni, called Certificate in Counselling Skills
  • My Gran sadly passed away

As you can probably guess, there are a lot of emotions mixed in with all three of those events – positive and negative. There has been, and still is, a lot to process, so I thought I’d try writing and see if that helped. Not entirely sure where this post will end up though..!

So, getting married! It had been 2 years since Matt proposed on that beautiful beach in Australia. 2 years of planning and imagining. 2 years of decision making – my favourite thing 🙄 And it all came down to that one day. The last few months were pretty hectic – between my dissertation and final exams and graduation at uni, and making arrangements and decisions for the Wedding, I forgot what it could be like to not have a to-do list. When it came down to the day though – I was pretty chilled! The early start didn’t go down so well with me – I don’t do mornings! But once my stomach settled down, and my hair and make up were done and I put on my dress (and it fit, and I could breathe in it…something that had been up for contention the previous week!), I was just excited. The idea of walking down an aisle with 70 people staring at me should have been something that terrified me – and it gave me many a panic in the lead up to the big day. I don’t like being centre of attention, and this was an extreme version of that. But in the car, and when we got to the Uni chapel, I didn’t have any nerves at all. I was confident in myself, I was so, so happy, and I was just excited – for Matt to finally see my dress, and to become his wife after 9 years together! Everything went to plan (well, other than my auntie breaking her ankle!!!), and the day was everything we had hoped for. There was something incredibly special about being surrounded by people who love us, and I genuinely didn’t stop smiling – like proper, genuinely grinning from ear to ear – all day. I literally had cramp in my cheeks at one point from smiling so much!!! One friend said she had never seen me look so comfortable in my own skin – and that is the perfect description. 💗 Married life is proving positive so far. It’s surreal seeing my new name, but I love sharing a home with my husband (that still sounds surreal) who I love so much!

The second event I mentioned is starting a counselling course at uni – and I’ve written a whole other post about that cos it turned out pretty big!

The last thing I mentioned was my Gran passing away. It’s still really quite raw, as it only happened about 6 weeks ago now. They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and sadly this was partly the case for me and my Gran. In my eyes, she was a wonderful woman! Wacky, but wonderful. We weren’t close in the sense that I would tell her every secret or worry I had, but I spent a lot of time with her, both when I was younger and recently. I could list a million memories, but that will no doubt leave me lying here in tears. Something I admired, Albeit maybe in hindsight, is that she was fiercely committed to things. The Salvation Army in particular and she was a songster (choir member) for 60 years! She loved to sing – and was a proud alto (something I’d like to think I’ve inherited!) She rarely missed a meeting until this past year, and was proud of the army and the faith it helped her sustain. If it wasn’t for her, I’d never have gone along to the army at all – I’m beyond grateful for her encouragement. More than any of that though, she was immensely proud of her family, and was never done worrying about one of us. I hadn’t realised how much I valued spending time with her until that was taken away – it now constantly feels like something is missing. I know everyone loses people, many of us lose grandparents – but I just wasn’t at all ready for how I would feel when it happened. I’m still trying to process the emotions but most of all it’s just sadness. I miss her daily – The funny phone calls, the mad visits and outings, her interest in me (and her bemusement at how long I seemed to be doing uni work and exams for – I am glad she finally got to see me graduate!) and a thousand more things that made her who she was. My Gran 💗

Other things in my life at the minute:

– I’m looking for a job. And struggling. I’m struggling over whether to settle and apply for something generic, or hold off and try to get something specific to Psychology or counselling. And either way, I’m getting increasingly irritated at how bad I am at writing a CV!!

– I’m also trying to apply for various volunteering positions, including one with childline. While I’m excited for that prospect, I’m also getting frustrated at how I seem to have lost the ability to write coherently or eloquently about myself! (This post proves that 😳😂)

– God stuff/faith. It comes and goes, as always. I continue to question and doubt everything, but continue to pray and try to have that faith. Posts to follow hopefully.

So well done if you made it to the end of this post – as this and the next one are both pretty random, pretty messy, and maybe not that interesting for anyone to read. They are however honest, and true accounts of where I’m at with certain things just now. I’ve had more emotions than I can understand over the past couple of months, and I wanted to write that down. Maybe someone can relate to something, or maybe it’s all just for my own sanity, who knows. The main thing I’m trying to remember is that wherever you are and however you feel that is ok. Don’t compare yourself or your situation to others. Keep perspective, but don’t compare. It’s ok to feel like crap, even if your day wasn’t quite as bad as someone else’s. It is ok.

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