I was sitting looking through boxes of photographs at my mum’s tonight, flicking through literally hundreds of photos of me as a child. Pictures of people, places, holidays, events that I remember as though they were recent, but that were actually a decade ago or longer. When did I become a grown up?!!! I used to look at people in their twenties and think they were proper adults – now I’m 23, a few months away from being graduated, married and living in my own house, but I still feel like a child. And I think a big part of that is that I still don’t have any clue what I’m going to do job/career wise once I finish uni.
I’ve said before that I envy people who know from the age of 5 that they want to be and will become a doctor or a fireman or an artist. To have such a clear cut dream would be so good (although I guess could lead to greater disappointment if it is not achieved). To have something to aim for, to aspire to, to work towards. Instead of just aimlessly pushing on in the hope that something becomes clear.
I’ve been trying to rely on God, hoping that ‘what’s in his plan for me will become clear’…but does this really work? And how long do I wait before this comes to light? If something comes up, how do I know if it’s in his plan, or in line with his will, or if it’s not. (Feel free to refer back to older blog posts for in depth discussions of my issues with the whole ‘God’s plan’ thing… I’ve written about it many times!)
To be brutally honest, I spend a lot of time at the minute being worried or afraid. And I really, really don’t like to admit that. (So much so that this post was selectively shared on Facebook, rather than shared with all of my Facebook friends) My confidence has dropped a lot over the past few months, and I’m not sure why. I know my dodgy insides have made me more anxious and wary to do things – any things – but it seems like more than that. I feel like I’m going backwards – struggling to work out where I fit in and where my place is.
Not knowing where I’m headed career/work/study wise is definitely a big contributing factor to this. I need some sort of direction, but I don’t know how to figure that out. I really just don’t know what I would like to do. And when people suggest things or I get a slight inkling of what might be fun or rewarding or interesting, I then worry that I wouldn’t be good at it or wouldn’t be able to do it. I don’t know what I’m capable of, and my decreased confidence is telling me that the list of what I am capable of is much smaller than the list of what I’m not capable of.
I’m not sure where I fit in with friends either. Recently it’s become apparent to me how many friendships Matt has, compared to how many I have. I find it difficult at times not to envy his outgoing, likeable personality that seems to attract friends like a moth to a flame. And I know it’s not about quantity. (Nor am I saying that he’s picking quantity over quality, because he has some lovely friends and great friendships in all aspects of his life!) I know he has more outlets and hobbies than me – work and band and football, where I just have the army and like 1 uni friend. (Again don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have that 1 pal and wouldn’t have made it through this year without her being at the other end of FB messenger helping me with every ridiculous question I come out with!!) It’s maybe just that everyone else seems to be settled in their work, their lives, and I’m a few stages behind and just don’t quite know where I fit into it all. I appreciate closeness in relationships, but struggle not to feel like I’m just bugging them by making contact. I feel like I’m always asking for help or support or even attention and I don’t want to be that person who makes them say ‘oh not again’ or ‘what now’ when a text from me shows up on their phone. My head just doesn’t make things straightforward.
And the thing that makes it all feel worse is that I thought I was past all of this. I thought that once I got into uni to study psychology, a career would fall into place thereafter. I thought that by the time I got married, I’d surely be at the stage of not worrying so much about whether I ‘fit in’ or whether people like me. I thought I was past the stage of psyching myself out of things because I think I’m not good enough or capable enough. So how did I end up back at this completely confused, completely clueless stage?! Or is it more like a carousel or a rollercoaster, where things fluctuate and vary throughout your life? How do things like this work for other people? Are people really as clued up and satisfied as they lead others to believe? I’m not sure.
I’m not sure what the point of this post is. My head’s been really full and this was my best attempt at emptying it tonight, albeit not a great effort. I just don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m heading and I’m so fed up of being worried and unsure and had to write that down, for my own sanity rather than trying to make for interesting reading. (Side note – it’s not all doom and gloom! I’m incredibly excited to be married and move into Matt and I’s lovely new house and I’m very grateful for all I have and all of the people who don’t give up on me!!) I’d just like some direction, and for my head to give me a break from time to time!