“Someday all that’s crazy, all that’s unexplained
Will fall into place…”
Sometimes, I really don’t enjoy being a ‘Christian’. oooh that sounds like a controversial statement doesn’t it? I think the official, theological, church-y response to my statement would be that i’m not a proper christian – in that I do not really and wholly know Christ and his love – if I can say that. And they would probably be correct, to some extent at least. I do have some rationale behind saying that I don’t enjoy it though:
It makes me permanently confused. I don’t understand everything (or even anything!!) and feel like a bit of a fraud. I don’t like not understanding things, so this makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think more than I’d like to. It makes me question and doubt things all the time. My uncertainty causes me to compare myself to others who do ‘get it’ and makes me feel insecure. It often doesn’t really add anything to my life, other than angst and confusion.
I’m pretty sure my last statement alone shows that i’ve gone adrift somewhere from what it’s supposed to be all about. I hear people give testimonies in church and talk about what God’s been doing in their life with such assurance that He is in control, and wonder how on earth they can be so certain. So certain that it’s really God that’s doing all these things, rather than just coincidence. So certain that any or all of it is true. I know we’re supposed to have the faith to believe in what we cannot see or whatever, but I just don’t like it. And more than that, I don’t understand how to do it!!!
“What if you dig and what if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That’s all you find..
What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?”
I feel like i go round in circles, faith wise, never ever getting anywhere. And I don’t know how to progress. After summer school last year I knew I didn’t understand lots of things, but I also knew I had to put in effort by praying and reading the bible in order to understand it. But it doesn’t seem to make any difference. When I pray, i feel like a fraud because I don’t really know who i’m talking to – if he’s really there, why should he bother to listen or help? I try and read the bible and I either get even more confused, or even more skeptical. I analyse things, its just how my brain works. I analyse things I read, things I see, things I do. It can be an absolute pain, but it’s just the way I am. I want one of those lightening bolt moments. Some sort of obvious sign that there’s a higher power – God – out there, in control and looking out for us. I’ve wondered several times recently what it would be like to have not been brought up in the church. The majority of people I know outside of church seem to go about their lives absolutely fine, with no confusion or christian-based guilt, and sometimes i wonder if that would just be easier!!
I’ve done pretty well so far this year with my resolution to be more positive in every aspect of my life other than religion/church. It comes naturally to me to be negative about it, mostly because I just don’t understand and therefore i’m not totally committed to it. Going to church week on week seems to make it worse, not better. How do I get to a place where I’m one of those people who ‘gets it’? (genuinely asking here…answers on a postcard please!!)
The lyrics dotted about this post are from three songs by Nichole Nordeman – ‘Someday’, ‘What if?’, and ‘Real to me’. I really love so many of her songs. She’s got a lovely voice, and so many of the songs have very poignant words that seem to articulate what i’m thinking way better than i can say myself.
And this last one pretty much sums up exactly what i’m trying to say in this ramble of a post:
“Every time i try to find you, every road comes back around.
Just another hoop to jump through, another mile of covered ground.
I am weary of the answers, more theory and cliche.
They raise the letter of the law like a banner, til you’re small and far away.
All the questions in my head are from my heart instead..
Be real to me now
That’s all i’m asking
Be real to me now “