“Leave me alone, I’m lonely”

“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody.”

I’ve always had a thing about feeling lonely. It’s something that makes me feel deeply vulnerable, and I rarely voice my thoughts on it to anyone. (Writing it here is terrifying me and making me very anxious!!) I don’t like talking about it because it sounds a bit silly, and sounds like such a sad emotion. Though I might feel lonely sometimes, I really don’t feel sad!!! 

Sometimes I thought it was an only child thing. Sometimes I thought I just didn’t fit in. Sometimes I thought I hadn’t found the right people. Sometimes I thought I was just different, or odd. And sometimes I just assumed that’s the way I was, and that’s how I was always going to feel. But is it just me? Or does everyone, or at least some people, feel lonely sometimes? 

I really don’t like the word lonely. I think it sounds melodramatic and a bit pathetic, and I just don’t think it describes the feeling properly. I saw a link on Facebook recently to an article/post on a mental health website about feeling lonely, and it summed it up pretty well: 

Lonely is isolation, it breeds negative self identity, increasing sadness and anxiety. When we feel lonely, we feel like nobody loves us. We remember all of the evidence that points to this fact. (And for some reason, our mind gets empty of all the evidence against it.)

The article went on to list things loneliness can make you think, the majority of which I could relate to feeling at some stage, and that I’m not brave enough to admit to on here. It’s a weird, confusing and horrible feeling to experience. I don’t understand what it is that makes me feel like that. I have amazing friends and family and I have several close friends whom I love and who I know love me, yet sometimes my brain convinces me that they don’t. Real closeness is something I really, really value and treasure in a friendship, (that’s why I love that Grey’s quote so much) probably because it lets you know that you’re not on your own. 

Something I’ve spent years agonising over is people not understanding, or ‘getting’ me. I’ve never truly felt like I fit in anywhere (is this just me?!) and have this recurring, crippling self doubt that makes me convinced people don’t really like me. But on reading something in a friend’s blog tonight, I realised something blatantly obvious. Another side effect of my lack of confidence is that I don’t usually let people see the real me. I’m shy and nervous and scared of what people will think of me, so most of the time I’m extra reserved and don’t really let ‘me’ show properly. So how on earth can I expect people to understand me, if I don’t let them see who I am?! I couldn’t count how many times I’ve cried over feeling like I don’t fit in or like people don’t get me (more so – yet not entirely confined – to my teenage years than recently), yet it’s at least partly through my own doing. 

Now this all sounds a bit pitiful and pathetic (and embarrassing), and this isn’t meant to be a negative post. One of my 2016 intentions is to be positive and look at things in a positive light, and I’m doing okay at it so far. It’s not negative, because I can see that I’m making something out of nothing. I can see my errors. I can see that I’ve been putting up barriers, then complaining when people don’t push through. So if I want things to be or feel different, I know what to do. 

We spend so much time in life playing it cool, pretending we’re alright on our own and that we don’t really need people, when actually we so do. I’ve ranted before that it really frustrates me that we don’t say what we really think or tell people how we really feel. But we should. What’s stopping us? (There’s definitely another post in there somewhere…) 

I’m not sure this post really has any particular point – I wrote it more for my own sanity than to make any profound point. But I will say this – always keep reminding the people you love that you love them. No matter how many times you’ve told them, keep telling them. Remind them why you love them and why you value them. It can make all the difference. 



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