You know better than I

So that’s summer school over for another year. (cue tears!!) There’s so much i could (and probably will) write about the week, and what’s going on in my head after it. But for now, i thought i’d write out the testimony i got up and spoke in front of about 120 people on Friday morning. (eek!!) So here it is!

So last year after summer school i was in such a good place as far as my faith was concerned. I was so excited about my relationship with God and was truly trying to live for him. However, as you can probably guess where this is headed, it didn’t last for too long. After a couple of months, a variety of things led me to doubting everything. I’m quite a deep thinker and not a great talker, which combined with the doubting, led me to the state i’ve been in for the past 6 months or so of being convinced that i have no faith and that God didn’t exist. To me, it all seemed too far fetched and too many things didn’t seem to add up. My opinion stood as this when arrived at Summer School this week.

Summer school is somewhere i usually feel closest to God as it’s a rare, uninterrupted week of being able to really focus on him, so feeling convinced he’s not real has had me reduced to tears on multiple occasions this week. I’ve been trying really hard all week to feel God or see some sort of sign that would prove my doubts wrong, as the thought of there being no God at all leaves me feeling pretty terrified and lost to be honest! And i’m pleased to say that my opinion has altered some throughout the week.
It wasn’t a lightening bolt or Damascus Road experience, and i’m by no means doubt free. But a few too many things have happened this week, which could not have been coincidences, and have reminded me of why i used to have faith in God.
Thursday night in particular, i could see from a distance that one of my closest friends was inconsolably upset. Situations like that usually make me exceptionally uncomfortable and reaffirm just how awkward a person i generally am, however before i knew it i was sat beside her chatting and comforting her. But it was the next bit that surprised me the most – as i suddenly felt the need, i guess, to pray with her. Given how quiet i am and that i have never ever prayed out loud on my own, let alone with someone else, the only way i can comprehend why i did it was because God told me to.
Now i’m not saying that i could literally hear a voice, but there was something in me that made me do something SO outside of my comfort zone, and i’m almost comfortable with the fact that it was God speaking through me.

I have been overwhelmed with the support i’ve received this week and i’m so grateful for it, and someone came and shared a verse with me last night which said

“you did not choose Me, I chose you.”

I love how, to me at least, this says that although i was choosing, wrongly, to ignore and deny God and his existence, he still chooses me and is still there, full of love, despite my flaws.

So i still have a long way to go with my faith, and i’m not saying that just because i felt the need to pray with someone, that i instantly know God is there, that’s not my only basis for my faith, clearly. I’ll go into more about that later. But someone else sent me song lyrics this week that i haven’t been able to stop thinking about, and the chorus sort of sums up where i’m at now:

For You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

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