Best Intentions

“What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take, to get it right?
To get it right?”

 I love this song, and to be honest it felt like my theme tune for a long time. No matter what i did, I always seemed to be getting things wrong. I know you can rarely please everyone, but i was struggling to please anyone. Not even myself. But things had been improving, and everything seemed to be going right and in the right direction for the first time in a long time. Until lately. 

Lately, that feeling’s back. I’m right back at the place of “What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?” Because frankly, a lot of the time, it certainly feels like that. I spent most of my school years and a lot of the time since trying to be the person other people want me to be. Not necessarily fun, but being me wasn’t really an option if i wanted to fit in, or wanted an easy life. But i got fed up of that. Who wouldn’t? And i’ve been trying so, so hard to be myself, like really just be me. But to be completely and totally honest (and i may regret this later..)  – it doesn’t feel like enough for people either. I’m still not ‘getting it right’. 

Things have happened, and these lines certainly ring true – “Just trying to help, hurt everyone else” as well as these – “Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things, i just wanna fix it somehow”. But no matter what i do, i feel like i’m messing up. And i don’t love that so much. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and i hate getting things wrong or making mistakes. And i know that it’s just a part of life, and that “sometimes life isn’t fair”, but just accepting that isn’t all that easy is it? 

I chatted to someone the other day about how i felt about all of this, and they encouraged me that being ‘me’ was the best option, and was exactly what i should be. And i replied that being ‘me’ felt like a bit of a crap thing to be. Quiet, awkward, and just not quite good enough. why would i want that? She then reminded me that i am “Fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139-style) and sent me a lyric which read – “All i ever have to be is what you made me, any more or less would be a step out of your plan”. Which i have to say, was what i needed to hear at the right time. God made me the way i am for a reason, i need to be grateful for all i have and all that i am.

I’m aware how depressive this post/rant sounds, and how trivial these ‘issues’ are (when really they’re not even issues at all – as far as life goes, i’m ridiculously blessed and have nothing to complain about!!!!!), and i’m honestly not as sad as it makes me sound. I just over-think/over-analyse things a lot. and like to write. 

So to end on a positive note, I’m trying very, very hard right now to remember that 

everything happens for a reason.

and that “the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you.”

 (but it’s not easy!!!)

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